【Playboy Wet And Wild 2 (1990)】

Warning: The Playboy Wet And Wild 2 (1990)following post contains mild plot spoilers for Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwaldis a whole lot of movie, jumping clumsily from plot to plot and character to character with little care or skill in tying them together.

Yet between these expanses of idiocy, there are some rare nuggets of intrigue, seeds to stories that could grow into something people actually want to see, if only given the chance.

And so: Here are the only six things we cared about in Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald.

1. Hogwarts

If you caught this movie in theaters on opening weekend, chances are you felt an immediate, tangible change of atmosphere when we see that glorious castle silhouette emerge from the mountains. Seeing Hogwarts and hearing "Hedwig's Theme" provide a deep comfort we didn't know we needed amid sloppy storytelling and unknown characters. This right here is the feeling that The Crimes of Grindelwaldtries and fails desperately to evoke.

We get to see Dumbledore teaching, McGonagall being badass (even though her mere existence conflicts with canon), clusters of students in house colors whose only concern is passing Charms, not tracking down an angry Obscurial for reasons unknown. Why didn't WB just green light a Hogwarts franchise that follows every character we've ever met through school?

2. The Leta Lestrange love triangle

The Harry Potter movies got an added dose of magic in the form of teen romance starting with Goblet of Fireand carrying us through to Ron and Hermione making out in the Chamber of Secrets in Deathly Hallows - Part 2. They injected a supposed children's fantasy series with the tender humor and pain of burgeoning adulthood, rounding the films out.

Fantastic Beastshad some lovely romantic seeds with Queenie and Jacob as well as the slower burn of Newt and Tina, but Crimes of Grindelwaldintroduces the straight-out-of-a-telenovela love triangle between Leta Lestrange and both Scamander brothers. Leta's thrilling final "I love you" to either or both of them gave me life and also took it away immediately when her character died. The whole thing was wild and scandalous and deserves its own five-film franchise!

3. Dumbledore and Grindelwald's history

These two are far too old to live out the backstory described in the Harry Potter books, wherein they are drawn together by intellectual attraction (and then some) and simultaneously fall in love and plot immortality/Muggle subservience.

Crimes of Grindelwald gives us a quick flashback to the boys' sexually charged blood oath, so why not extend the flashback, like Newt and Leta's? Why not make it a whole act, or even a whole movie in this never-ending franchise?

4. Newt and Tina

One of the rare sufferable moments in this movie is when Newt and Tina infiltrate the French Ministry of Magic and he laboriously explains to her that he's not engaged, suddenly reopening the door to their potential (inevitable) romance.

There's a lot of murmuring and longing stares, and Newt, against Jacob's advice, starts to compare Tina's eyes to a salamander's. It's a sweet moment when Tina herself completes the thought, and then they SHOULD HAVE KISSED, but then some other dumb thing happened.

5. Nagini

The origins of this character are obviously being withheld for the remaining Fantastic Beastsmovies, but after the shocking reveal of Nagini's true identity and blood curse, it would have been great for The Crimes of Grindelwaldto tell us more about her than all the revelations of the final trailer. Most of the time she just stuck to Credence and looked worried, which caused more annoyance than intrigue.

6. Newt's assistant

To no one's surprise, Newton Artemis Fido Scamander's London flat is a veritable magical menagerie of creatures who are effectively nannied by a benevolent woman named Bunty. Bunty learns to care for the creatures even when they bite at her fingers, and she is completely in love with Newt. Tell me more about Bunty, and please don't break her heart!

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwaldis now in theaters.